Part III
Love and control are never a package deal. This is probably one of the most important lessons to remember when dealing with a person who has The Saul Syndrome. To love someone properly means to do so unconditionally. This never includes granting the other person control over you in any way. When the other person controls you, he or she places a yoke upon you. You will soon find yourself driven at a pace far beyond your capability. If the individual with NPD has control over your reigns, you will be driven senseless. Retain control or begin the process to regain control if you are one of the unfortunate ones.
Never allow the individual with NPD to be in possession of your pearls. So, what do I mean by pearls? Pieces of your life story that are precious to you represent your pearls. In the Bible, it speaks of not casting your pearls amongst the swine. The individual with NPD will take your pearls—your precious and personal life stories—and share them with others in a demeaning way. He or she will cast gloom and shame over your good name. You will feel heartbroken, knowing that your personal stories have been shared with strangers.
It is also very important to maintain a very effective support group. The word effective is key to the group. Not every group of individuals has the capability to encourage its members to endure hardship. An effective group will come along with its members and walk them through whatever obstacles they face. The groups may be hard to find at first, but usually the best place to start is with an experienced counselor. An effective support group will treat every member equally and with great care.
The last lesson that I will include in this three-part series on The Saul Syndrome is to live and operate in a space where the NPD individual is afraid to tread. In 1 Samuel 27:1 David realized the only way to escape from Saul was to go and live in the land of the Philistines. The Philistines were the enemies of Saul, and Saul greatly feared them. In 1 Samuel 27:4 it states that when Saul learned of David escaping into Gath, a city of the Philistines, that he sought him no more. This space where the NPD individual is afraid to travel may be a physical place, or it may be something as simple as creating a transparent environment. Most individuals with NPD fear transparency. For them to reveal their secrets is like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall and breaking into pieces that can never be put back together again.
The nine most common symptoms of a person with NPD seem so far fetch, but research and history has shown them to be accurate and true. My own life experiences with NPD individuals map precisely to these known symptoms. Saul, the Pharoah of Egypt, and the Apostle Paul before his conversion are clear Biblical examples of individuals with NPD. Let’s dive into the third and final set of three as it relates to the NPD individual’s nine most common symptoms:
7. The individual lacks empathy.
The individual lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others no matter the situation. The individual will never put him or herself in the shoes of another person and therefore cannot understand the emotions being exhibited. He or she therefore has a difficult time consoling individuals who are experiencing emotional difficulties of any kind. There are no acceptable excuses for whatever tragedy may have occurred in another person’s life. Ironically as it may sound, the individual does not show empathy toward others but does expect it in return should something happen to him or her.
In 1 Samuel 22:6-8, Saul stood under a tree in Ramah and spoke with his servants. Saul accused them all of conspiring against him, and he stated that not one of them was willing to tell him that his son Jonathan had made a league with David. Saul goes on to say, “There is none of you that is sorry for me.” In verse 8, Saul seeks empathy from his servants. This same Saul turns around in 1 Samuel 22:16 and refuses to show empathy toward Ahimelech the priest and orders him and all his father’s house to be killed. This came after Ahimelech pleaded with Saul in verse 15 that neither he nor anyone in his father’s house did anything wrong against the king.
My own personal experiences with individuals displaying this symptom have appeared in the following acts:
- The individual shows no care for what another person is experiencing.
- The individual mimics empathy in words only and not in deeds. If empathetic words are spoken, actions do not match.
- This individual is blind to the feelings of others and often does not “read the room” when discussing sensitive matters that may offend the hearers.
8. The individual is envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
The individual is very envious of other people. Not only is he or she envious of them, but the individual believes that everyone else is envious of him or her. If it appears that someone else is garnering more attention, then this individual will become discontented because of the advantages he or she believes the other person has gained. The individual will resort to leveling as a means to bring the other person down. The demeaning thoughts and negative words toward others are meant to devalue them. If splitting—unequal treatment—has taken place between this individual and his or her siblings, then he or she will likely believe that others are envious of him or her as well.
Everything seemed fine between Saul and David until that fateful day in 1 Samuel 18:6-9 when Saul and David returned from fighting the Philistines. The women came out singing and dancing to meet King Saul. They answered one another as they played, “Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” The scripture goes on to say, “Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him.” His envy for David at that moment engulfed him, “and Saul eyed David from that day and forward.” In Saul’s mind, he was completely convinced that David envied him and desired his kingdom. This was far from the truth though.
The individuals who I have seen during my lifetime have displayed these symptoms in the following acts:
- The individual shows hatred toward any person who appears to excel him or her.
- The individual cringes at the successes of others and feels uncomfortable in their presence.
- The individual practices leveling where he or she brings down others by throwing out their weaknesses.
- The individual has gone from verbally attacking them to physically attacking them.
9. The individual displays arrogant behaviors.
The individual behaves in an arrogant way, boasting about his or her achievements. He or she relies heavily on braggadocious words spoken by self. The individual will boast about his or her wealth, especially if he or she feels that it will impress others. Not only will he or she boast of past accomplishments, but he or she will also boast of future endeavors. The behaviors of this individual are full of conceit, and the actions are meant to draw attention.
In 1 Samuel 22:7 Saul boast of his ability to give every one of his servants fields and vineyards. He bragged to his servants that the son of Jesse, David, would not be able to afford such luxuries for them. He also boasted to his servants about being able to make them captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds. Saul knew that David did not command a large number of men. Saul even showed arrogance in his death according to 1 Samuel 31:4 as he fell upon his own sword to prevent his adversaries from capturing him and abusing him.
My own personal experiences with individuals displaying this symptom have appeared in the following acts:
- The individual fails to give God or anyone else credit for his or her achievements.
- The individual goes over the top to impress others with his or her material goods.
- The individual cannot help but let others know what his or her private bank account contains.
One thing that I have noticed about the individual suffering from The Saul Syndrome is that he or she is not involved in one healthy relationship. I looked high and low, and I found not one healthy relationship in their circle of family members, coworkers, or community. How is that possible? Playing the harp to soothe his or her spirit is not enough, defeating a giant on his or her behalf is not enough, marrying his or her daughter or son is not enough, befriending his or her child is not enough—not even sparring his or her life is enough. The individual suffering from The Saul Syndrome is volatile and every relationship in his or her life will reflect it.
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