Part 1
think about the heart of a child. a child's heart is soft and
receptive. only when the hatred of the world hits it,
does it begin to harden.
Dr. Phil in his Phil in the Blanks Podcast spoke of answering two hard-hitting questions on the origin of narcissism, “Where [do] these folks come from? Why does somebody turn out to be a narcissist and somebody else doesn’t?” He simply stated, “Nobody really knows where this comes from.” He went on to describe some of the primary theories as to why people become narcissistic. He stated, “Most people would agree that it is a learned behavior. Most people would agree that they come from the extremes of parenting.” The parents were either over-protected or they neglected or abused the narcissist as a child. Whether over-protecting, neglecting, or abusing the child, the very heart of the child has been affected in a negative way. It is this experience and others that will impact the love within a child’s heart thus bringing him or her to the level of a narcissist. The origin of narcissism can best be understood by looking at three things: love, the heart, and evil events.
Love is something that mankind has struggled with since the beginning of time. One could only imagine that when time first began, love existed in its purest form. The inner man’s heart was soft and receptive to all the good that the world and God had to offer. There was only one thing that could change and corrupt the heart and that was evil. Evil somehow causes the heart to harden and makes it resistant to the good in the world and God. The love between the first man and woman was perfect at the start, and their love toward God was unblemished. That all changed once evil entered the picture. Its effect could be seen immediately in the relationship between Adam and Eve, and between them and God. In fact, the impact became generational. The love in Cain’s heart, their son, would vanish to the point that he would eventually rise and murder Abel, his brother.
The growing presence of hate is a sign that the heart is hardening. A hardened heart can and will inflect pain on others. Not surprisingly, the individual who has a hardened heart has experienced pain and hurt in the past. There is an old saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” Those on the receiving end often find it difficult to empathize with the perpetrator. They are too focused on the pain and hurt being inflected on them. Frequently it comes as a complete shock when hate is received from a person from whom love is expected. The wounds in this case are generally deep and the healing process often takes a lot of time and requires the aid of an experienced physician or counselor. These deep wounds are what prevent people from living a holistic life and having meaningful relationships in the present and future.
When considering the heart of a child, a child’s heart is soft and receptive to all the good things that the world and God has to offer. A child will love any person until taught otherwise. There is no bias according to size, color, or gender. A child’s heart is open to freely give and receive. Because children’s hearts are soft and receptive, and because they do not guard against evil and hatred, their hearts are susceptible to being hardened. As children grow, their hearts can be hurt, causing a hardening effect which hinders the flow of love. Parents, teachers, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers can hurt children and teach them hatred. Parents who guard the hearts of their children will deliver children to society who have a much easier time with love. Love will come naturally to those children whose hearts are soft and receptive. They will be comfortable in relationships with people of all sorts.
Most parents may not realize that the heart of their infant is being formed before they can even speak a word. The behaviors exhibited and the words spoken by others sometimes leave a lasting impression on their heart. Not every child picks up on such things this early, but there are those who will. On the flip side, adults may not know when and where certain feelings about love came into existence in their own lives. They may have originated during the infancy stage. As an infant, they may have witnessed interactions that began to harden their heart. Perhaps they witnessed the interactions between their mother and father. Simply observe children and see how they respond to a loving touch or to cheerful music. Play games with them and see the smile light up their faces. Just as we can bring about positive responses in our children, we can also bring about negative responses. These negative responses can yield a hardening of their hearts.
The goal for everyone is to maintain or return our hearts to that of a child’s. To humble our hearts and make them soft and receptive to all the good things of the world and God, is the challenge. This is the necessary conversion where we seek to change the hearts which have been hardened by the evil of this world. Softening and opening our hearts to a world that brought hurt and pain to our lives, is a huge undertaking. This is especially hard for the narcissist. Many vowed to never let such catastrophes near their hearts ever again. For children, the parents carry the responsibility to protect their hearts until they reach an age of accountability and then the children begin to carry that responsibility on their own. What exists today in most people are hardened hearts that are heavily guarded. They refuse to learn more about God, they resist any changes to their hearts, and they fear those strong emotions that come with a soft and receptive heart.
Exodus 4:21 reads, “And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.” We know that Pharaoh had a hardened heart. From the scriptures we can see that it came from the things he experienced in his life. Pharaoh’s refusal to set the people of God free, gives us insight into his lack of love for the children of Israel. He possessed all the traits of a narcissist. Clearly, the Saul Syndrome existed many years prior to Saul coming on the scene. Pharaoh was grandiose, obsessed with power, viewed himself God-like, had a strong sense of entitlement, exploitive of others, desired admiration, lacked empathy, was envious of others, and displayed arrogant behaviors. His narcissism stemmed from a hardened heart.
1 Samuel 6:6 reads, “Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?” Here the priests and the diviners in the land of the Philistines are speaking to the Philistine people concerning what was taking place in their land. They had captured the ark of God from the children of Israel. As a result, God began to smite the people of the cities with tumors. It was then recommended that the ark of God be sent out of the city back to the children of Israel. The priests and diviners warned them not to allow their hearts to be hardened like the Egyptians and Pharaoh, seeing that they suffered great loss. The counsel was not to allow whatever love in their hearts to vanish because of the evil events that were occurring. Only the presence of love would allow them to send back a valuable and precious item, the ark of God, to their very enemy.
Turning towards Saul, we see 1 Samuel 15:11 and it reads, “It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. And it grieved Samuel; and he cried unto the LORD all night.” Prior to this, God had in 1 Samuel 10:9 changed the heart of Saul from one that was hardened to one that was soft. Over time, Saul allowed the evil events of this world to harden his heart once again. This we see in 1 Samuel 15:11. In this verse, God is sorry that He had set Saul up to be king. This thing even grieved the prophet Samuel, and he cried unto the Lord all night over this matter.
People respond differently to evil events when they impact their hearts. Two individuals growing up in the same household experiencing the same evil events may grow up with two completely different hearts. It is based on how each heart responds and heals. Some can heal and retain their softness and others may harden. Scar tissue on one’s skin is not a bad thing in the healing process, but scar tissue on one’s heart is not a good thing at all. The very fact that a hardened heart rejects love brings about the very possibility for an individual to develop into a narcissist.
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